Nothing Left Unfinished

Jordan and I walked Bear in Saratoga today. Somewhere along the trail we got into it about putting pressure on kids, and I felt myself getting triggered when he said — in his very INTJ way — isn't it our responsibility to prepare them for future stressors and reality. Which is almost word for word my mom's line, the one she used to both justify what she did and say out loud to us, even though it makes zero sense. Preparing for a supervisor stressing you out at work is nothing like raising a kid from when they're small — developmentally, trauma-wise, none of it lines up. I've told her that. I think I've written it down before too.

So I was triggered hearing it from him. But he walked it back, agreed it depends on the kid, agreed it can't be a blunt thing or the pressure just becomes trauma that does the opposite of what you intended. We landed in the same place. Then he tried to playfully jab me and his hand caught my side and it actually hurt, and I got double-triggered — because he knows about my dad. He clocked it immediately and apologized, and I said it's okay, and we ended up laughing about how he managed to double-trigger me in one afternoon. I'm glad I came back from it fast today. That part matters to me.

Later, in the car, he told me about a coworker's relationship mess — engaged to someone who still seems to have unfinished feelings for an ex, an ex they're apparently still planning to invite to the wedding, the fiancé themselves a former cheater, the coworker's own past partner a cheater too. A whole tangle of people carrying things they never closed out.

And listening to it, something landed. How much it matters to be emotionally clear — to not be dragging unfinished feelings around for someone — when you actually like the person you're with and don't want to put a crack in it.

So. Bryce. I think I keep reaching for a version of this where I make you the bad guy so I can finally set you down — the one who left when I was most vulnerable, no heads-up, the phone breakup, no soft landing. But I don't actually believe that story. I said it myself: I don't really blame you for most of what happened. I can't paint a villain I don't think exists, and trying to is just another way of keeping you in the room.

I don't need you to be the bad guy. I just need you to be over. And you already are. The lesson was never about you at all — it was the coworker's mess showing me what I don't want to carry into what I have now. Clear-eyed isn't the same as cruel. I can wish you well and still close the door.

I want to put it toward myself now, and toward Jordan, and the job search, and the studio — Sunlit Game Studio is live on iOS. The people actually in my life today. I thanked Jordan before we went into that new boba place, told him how grateful I am he pushes me toward the things I want, even the software job I've been dreading. Between the new tools, the business finally real, the app shipped, EMC Montreal going well, the journaling, and someone who genuinely believes in me — I'm doing better than I ever have.

So I'll keep going. And I'm going to be okay.