What a Year
Just now I submitted my applications for Medi-Cal and the fresh-food EBT programs, and damn, I went through a whole range of emotions doing it — shame, avoidance, then acceptance, then relief. Part of me feels so stupid for even doing this, like I should already be working and contributing by now and I'm just not. And another part of me is glad I've come this far, that I could actually sit down and finish something that matters for me instead of abandoning myself partway through the way I usually do.
Earlier today I took my mom to visit Jordan and Jordan's mom, and we all drove down to Point Lobos and Monterey for a day trip — and boy, that was fun. The Monterey city tour with the seals, the city itself, the antique store, the otter shop, the pizza place, then back to the otter shop again — all of it was good. But Point Lobos took the win, even though we only had the last 33 minutes there. We had to walk in, look around, and get back out in under thirty minutes so we could leave before 7 and not catch an extra ticket, and it wasn't an easy hike either — a lot of ups and downs and stairs. But the views were gorgeous. Absolutely insane. The clock running, all of us just rushing to take it in — that was beautiful.
Back in the bay my mom and I went to Home Depot again and did some shopping, and it took us forever just to get through the irrigation stuff and figure out how it all actually works. Kind of a waste of time, but whatever. Later we stopped by Jordan's to drop a few things off, and he was surprised but happy to see us, of course. When we left, he reminded me again that it's really time to apply and start working, and to lock the door for the night since I was taking my mom to stay at the other place anyway. It made me think — yeah, it's time to actually contribute. Jordan has paid enough. But then I got home and felt how much I still have to do, and I hadn't even finished the Medi-Cal application yet, so I sat down to do that. The internet was bad, then I moved to another room where the Xfinity actually works and it was fine again, but I'd already wasted a lot of time.
It's really not easy to live, is it. This past year I got broken up with by Bryce, who meant a lot to me, met the amazing boyfriend that is Jordan, got diagnosed with HIV because I wasn't careful and was sleeping around while I was emotionally dysregulated from losing Bryce, got laid off, started getting unemployment and then stopped because it's been over six months now, built an app and pushed it to the App Store, and finally finished applying to the medical and food programs — which I probably won't even use much, since I'll be applying to jobs soon and getting income soon, I don't know. And I'm leaving this house for good because it's being rented out. But yeah. What a year.