The Night I Said Bye to the Sun

I watched Past Lives tonight. Alone. Well — not entirely alone. Bear was there, curled up like a quiet witness, and I was in Jordan's apartment, folding laundry late into the night while he's away in Colorado on a business trip. It felt… strangely domestic. Grounded. Real. Which made the movie hit even harder.

Because the entire film is about other timelines — the ones that could've been, the ones that still linger in your chest — and here I was, in the most present, ordinary version of my life, holding socks and T-shirts while my past tried to whisper to me through a screen.

There was a moment in the film where I just… froze. "How did something that felt so alive end so abruptly?" That question felt like it came straight out of my own chest.

And I realized something tonight. Bryce wasn't just Bryce. He became the sun. The blonde, beautiful, effortless, "what if" version of life. The timeline where everything felt lighter, more cinematic, more… chosen. And a part of me has been orbiting that sun for a long time, even quietly, even subconsciously.

But tonight, something shifted. Not dramatically. Not with some grand declaration. Just… a quiet conversation inside me.

"But what about the sun?" "But what about the present?" "What if we can have both?" "No. You can't. And you know it."

And then: "Yes… you're right. Bye sun."

That didn't feel like rejection. It felt like mourning.

Because the truth is, what we had was real. The chemistry, the recognition, the way we could understand each other so quickly — it wasn't imagined. But we were also… younger. Less equipped. Less stable. Less able to choose kindness when it mattered. We were babies. And I think that's what hurts — not that it ended, but that we weren't yet the versions of ourselves who could've sustained it.

But I'm also not that version of me anymore. I'm here now. In Jordan's apartment. With Bear. Folding laundry. Building a life that is slower, steadier, less cinematic — but real.

And for the first time, I didn't want to run away from that. I wanted to stay.