Characters Living and Dying

Very late at night. In between trying to Claude-max and use up all my available tokens this week — which doesn't seem to be ending, because I've apparently found a no-token-wasting efficient time zone (Friday night PST, it turns out 😂) — and sitting here coding out the designs for my app, watching all these characters in my game living and dying...

I started thinking about my own mortality again.

About how soon I could actually fall ill and die. About my HIV-positive diagnosis from almost six months ago. About how if I slip up with my meds, I could worsen my condition and accelerate my immune system failing — dying within 8 to 10 years. Sigh. Compared to other people, my life is too short and too tense because of this, on top of everything else I'm carrying.

It's really hard for me to find the positive in all of it. Maybe the diagnosis was a wake-up call — a push to actually care about myself better. Maybe it was. Maybe it helped lead me to Jordan. But at the same time... I don't know. I still feel loss. Sadness. Disappointment in how lonely and underachieving my life currently feels.

Maybe pushing this game to the App Store by the end of the month will help. Maybe it'll be my thesis statement on life — help me feel more needed, more important, more valued. I don't know. At 27 — young, at least by modern standards — already contemplating my own death and legacy. I'm definitely living through something.

Maybe I'll wrap up soon and join Jordan in bed. We've been traveling all day after all. Yeah.

Goodnight 🌙.